


There For You

by SquishyCool



Series: There For You [1]
Category: iCarly
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/F, Friendship/Love, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 00:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10910967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquishyCool/pseuds/SquishyCool
Summary: Sam recalls those last fleeting moments to Carly, and how she'd tried to be a true friend... before Fate took over. Based on the song "There For You" by Flyleaf.Part 1 of 3.





	There For You

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FFN on 1.21.2009.  
> Paragraphs in italics are lyrics from the song "There For You" by Flyleaf.  
> The drawing was made by a friend who enjoyed the fic and wanted to make an illustration of her favorite scene. She can be found on deviantArt under the name youko-akimi.

**There For You**  


_Sometimes I'm a selfish fake_  
_You're always a true friend_  
 _And I don't deserve you_  
 _'Cause I'm not there for you_  
 _Please forgive me again_

We got in a fight again. I hate it when we fight. It was something stupid, too. Something about you liking this boy and trying to talk to me about him and I wouldn't listen. All I could ever do was raid your fridge and watch TV and act disinterested. How lame am I?

I don't even fully remember what the fight was all about, to be honest, or what started it exactly. All I remember is that look on your face when we started yelling at each other. You're so angry, but so beautiful at the same time. Your words can get ugly, though.

"God, Sam, you don't even _listen_ to me anymore!" you yelled, a fire raging in your brown eyes.

I gave you a displeased look, still chewing the last of the sandwich I'd just stuffed in my mouth. "Yes, I do! I always listen to your dumb stories, Carly."

I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Your face fell, and that fire died down. Now you were hurt. Your voice wasn't raised anymore, but there was still an edge of anger in it. "My stories aren't dumb… I'm trying to talk to you 'cause you're my best friend. Why do you have to do this?"

I swallowed the food I'd just chewed. I stared at you regretfully, still mad. "I'm not doing anything. You're the one freaking out and yelling at me. It's pretty stupid how worked up you get over this stuff. Why are you so worried about some boy anyway? He doesn't even _talk_ to you!"

Your eyebrows furrowed together, and you pursed your full lips. I recognized that look you got when you were trying to control your anger, because Spencer had always taught you not to take it out on others or on objects, but to express it some other way. Your voice was a little louder this time.

"You don't have to be such a jerk about it, Sam! If you don't wanna hear my _'dumb'_ stories, then just tell me! But don't ignore me and then try to act like you were listening when I _know_ you weren't," you told me.

I rolled my eyes.

"UGH!" you cried out in frustration, spotting the eye roll. "God, you are so… _frustrating_! Aren't best friends supposed to talk to each other about everything? I listen to all _your_ stories about food and hating teachers and whatever else. Why can't you listen to what _I_ have to say for once?"

You didn't even say my stories were dumb…

"'Cause I don't talk about one freakin' guy every day, all day!" I retorted. "It's just annoying, Carls. You'd feel the same way in my position."

You narrowed your eyes. I could tell you were really ticked off now. "Ya know what, why don't you just go home tonight? I'm not in the mood to deal with you. You can spend the night some other time."

My heart sunk. I had looked forward to staying the night all day; to sleeping in your warm, comfy bed and listening to your steady breathing. I always slept so well at your house because of this. But I was stubborn.

"Fine! Hope ya have fun without me!" I said angrily.

I turned around and stomped past the couch, scooping up my bag in one angry move, then stormed to the door. I opened it and stopped, turning around as I stepped out into the hallway.

"Maybe your little _boyfriend_ can come over and listen to your STUPID stories!" I added in spite.

I saw the hurt look on your face right before I slammed the door shut and stomped away in a rage. I shouldn't have said that, but I do really stupid stuff when I'm mad. And I'm so stubborn and bull-headed… Ya know, you've always been the only one with enough patience to put up with me and my rotten attitude.

My mom was right when she said you kept me out of jail. For some reason, I just knew that I would've been in juvie by now if it weren't for you being my best friend and saving my butt a trillion times over.

I had my plaid, mostly empty bag slung over my shoulder as I walked home at a quicker pace than normal. Every step I took was full of anger and spite. You made me _so mad_ sometimes!

But the farther I got away from Bushwell Plaza, the more I thought. And the more I thought, the more you filled my head. I kept thinking that same old familiar thought again… how I really didn't deserve you because you're such a great girl and an awesome friend, and how stupid I was for acting the way I did sometimes. I had my dad's anger and aggression issues. I couldn't help it. But I wish I could've around you. You deserved so much better than me. I'm a rotten friend. I've proven that way too many times.

My thoughts got more and more depressing and more and more full of regret as I made my way home. Gosh, I was so selfish and stupid… And all you'd ever been to me was a great friend. And you were right: you _did_ always listen to my stupid stories about whatever. You even comforted me when I came crying to you about my first job, which, in retrospect, was really lame of me… but you didn't even say that… you just comforted me and told me you hated seeing me like that. But me? I couldn't even listen to you ask me for advice about a boy you liked. I wanted to just kick myself.

You deserved a way better "best friend" than I could ever be.

 _I wanna be there for you_  
_Someone you can come to_  
 _Runs deeper than my bones_  
 _I wanna be there for you_  
 _I wanna be there for you_

I was nearly home when the feeling struck me… I had to go back. I had to apologize to you and make things right. These thoughts were finally catching up to me and kicking my butt, and I was feeling really crappy for the way I treated you.

My pace slowed as the street I was supposed to turn on came into view a few blocks ahead. What would I say to you? I hated apologizing… But I would just have to. It was stupid of me to be so stubborn around you. You deserved better than that. I was being a moron and you deserved an apology.

I wanted to be there for you… I wanted to make myself deserving of your friendship and your love and your care. Because, truth be told… I loved you, Carly Shay.

Yeah, there it was… I loved someone. Not common for me. But you had a special place in my heart, and I'd do anything for you. And this fighting? Completely stupid. I had to put a stop to it and tell you to just punch me when I acted this dumb. Though I knew you never would… It was a nice gesture. That's what mattered, right?

But I had to tell you more than that… I had to tell you the whole truth: that I _loved_ you. I loved you more than _anything_ , and I wanted nothing more in the world than to be there for you and be your friend and have your love. You'd been the center of my universe since 2nd grade – seriously!

I wasn't sure how I'd go about this… but I'd find a way. And you'd understand. Then you'd forgive me and let me stay the night, and I could get another great night's sleep because I'd slept next to you. Yeah, that was it. I just had to apologize and tell you the truth, and everything would be fine, just like it always was. But this time, no more fighting! I had to change, dude. This was just ridiculous. You wouldn't stick around if I kept acting this way.

…Okay, you probably would, but that wasn't right. I needed to treat you right because I loved you. You deserved the best Sam I could be, and that's what you were gonna get!

I stepped up on the sidewalk I'd just crossed over to, a smile on my face at the thoughts I had in my head. Now I was looking forward to getting back to you and falling asleep with you later. I got a little over-excited, I guess you could say, and my head was all up in the clouds with thoughts of you and how I would apologize and all that jazz.

After I spun around and stepped back off the curb, I went to cross the street as quickly as I could, hoping to cross the next few blocks just as quickly. I wanted to get back to you as fast as possible.

What I failed to notice, or even glance at, was the pedestrian signal… which had gone to that little hand that meant it was NOT a good idea to cross the street. The intersection's stoplight had turned green, and before I even made it halfway across the street…

Well, you can imagine. Tiny, skinny Sam and large, excessively speeding cars don't mix well. What a nub move, right?

 _Swirling shades of blue_  
_Slow dancing in your eyes_  
 _The sun kisses the earth_  
 _And I hush my urge to cry_

Ya know, I'm not completely sure of the details of what happened next. All I remember is this really hard, sharp pain in my left hip and side, like the time I got tackled by that football player by accident out in the field at school. Then, I remember seeing my bag up in the air, falling back down to the ground… That terrible sound of screeching brakes filled my ears for what seemed like _forever_. And then the entire right side of my body made a crash landing on some not-so-welcoming concrete.

The pain shot through my entire body in a split-second, and before I knew it, I was filled with nothing but pain. Both sides hurt, the inside of my pelvic area and my ribs felt like they were all just crushed to pieces, and the wind got completely knocked out of me. My lungs felt like they'd gone flat, like an old bike tire you let sit out in your yard for a year. Then this really sharp pain, like the one that had hit my right side, came to the right side of my head and spread fast. It felt like my skull was in the same condition as my ribs and pelvic bones.

The very last thing I remember is seeing a fleeting glimpse of your face in my mind, and then the blackness consumed me.

Not long after I was overtaken by all that black, I saw a bunch of colors. It was kinda like a kaleidoscope – blues and yellows and greens, shades of pink that reminded me of you, purple and orange like my favorite shirt, and those other shades of blue, like _your_ favorite shirt - the one I loved seeing you wear.

A few images came after that. It was weird, and I can't really describe it to where you could fully understand it. But, when they say "your life flashes before your eyes" or whatever, I think that's what it was. 'Cause I saw tons of different pictures, little snippets of moments I'd forgotten about and moments I'd never forget. You and Freddie, Spencer, Mrs. Benson, my mom, my dad before he went to prison, my dad _after_ he went to prison, my cousins, my Aunt Maggie with the ridiculous fake boobs… even Rodney and Gibby, and that crazy little nub, Reuben. My favorite was the most familiar moment of me and you standing at that table, making fun of Ms. Briggs, and Freddie was filming us without us even knowing. That made Ms. Briggs so mad! Gosh, that was hilarious. And it started something that would change our lives.

But anyway, I can't even name off all the images I saw, because it was like millions in just a few seconds. I know it sounds impossible, but I swear that's what it was. Everyone who'd ever meant anything to me in my life showed up at least once, and then the people who were extra special showed up a lot.

I remember seeing your smiling face in nearly every one.

Now, what comes next is gonna sound bonkers, so stick with me here… I don't remember opening my eyes or even moving at all, but suddenly, I was sitting on this grassy hill in who knows where, totally relaxed and kickin' back, just staring at the most perfect sunset I'd ever laid eyes on. There was nothing but grassy fields around me, and the lighting was all serene and perfect. It was a scene you'd never see in overpopulated Seattle.

Then, when I turned my head, I saw _you_. For some reason, I knew it wasn't _really_ you, but I still watched, because you're just so darn beautiful, and the idea of you is good enough for me. You were sitting there, your legs crossed "Indian style", looking all cute as usual. Your hair was shiny and fell over your shoulders just perfect, framing your glowing face. Your brown eyes were bright and happy and focused on me. You smiled at me for a little while, and I smiled back, before you turned your head and stared out at the sunset again. So I turned my gaze that way to see what you were looking at. I knew I probably would've been crying at this point, normally, but for some reason… I felt no sadness.

Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I saw you gracefully tuck some of your black hair behind your ear. Then, I swear I saw wings extending from your back, as if they were readying to fly. Big, feathery, white, _beautiful_ wings, full and radiant and ready to carry you off across clouds and blue skies. They fit you perfectly… It was like they had always been meant to be there.

And just as suddenly as it had showed up, the whole scene disappeared, and the blackness consumed me again. That's when the pain came back.

 _I wanna be there for you_  
_Someone you can come to_  
 _Runs deeper than my bones_  
 _I wanna be there for you_  
 _I wanna be there for you_

I couldn't open my eyes. My whole body felt weak and broken and completely useless. The pain was unbearable. It was everywhere – inside and outside, all through my bones, in my head, pumping through my veins. It was worse than anything I'd ever felt before. I wanted to move; I wanted to open my eyes and open my mouth and scream out in pain. I wanted to cry and kick and writhe around, just to try to get my mind off the pain. But I couldn't.

So I thought about you. Your face popped into my aching head again, and it seemed to dull all the pain in my body. It seemed to get my mind off the fact that I couldn't breathe, and it seemed to give me the strength to keep my heart beating, which felt like it was about to collapse inside my chest and just give up right there.

It couldn't, though. I had to stay. Somehow, even though I didn't know where I was or what was going on, I knew that something bad was going on, and that I was on the verge of leaving forever. I had to stay for you. I had to be there for you. That's all I wanted.

You were the only passion keeping my desire to live present.

 _'Cause I hear the whispered words_  
_In your masterpiece beautiful_  
 _You speak the unspeakable through_  
 _I love you, too_

The next thing I knew, the pain was gone. I can't explain it. It was just… _gone_. Disappeared. And I was up in the air. I opened my eyes and I could feel the nothingness below me, how I was just floating in the air, no pressure on any part of my body, no pain anywhere.

When I looked around, I realized I was in a hospital. It was an emergency room, like one of those ones you see on those TV shows where the gunshot victims are rushed in on stretchers, blood all over the place and people in blue scrubs screaming for CC's of stuff. There was a half-open curtain around the area I was in, and a whole group of doctors and nurses was huddled around below me.

I looked down and moved a little closer, somehow able to float down to where I wanted to be, hovering just above all their heads. The room was full of chaos – rapidly beeping machines, alarms on other machines screeching, people yelling for things and demanding medicines and crazy medical equipment. And right in the middle of all the chaos was a hospital bed holding a motionless body…

 _My_ body.

Shock and fear filled me, but I didn't move. I just stared, watching as my bloody layers of shirts were frantically cut open at the front by doctors to reveal my bra and a very twisted looking torso that I used to recognize… But it didn't even _look_ like mine anymore. All the bones were out of place, and stuff was broken inside, you could just _tell_ … There was an oxygen mask on my swollen and bruised face, and my eyes were shut. I looked like I was sleeping, but I knew that inside, I was in agonizing pain, unable to move or speak or even breathe.

The bottom half of my body was terribly out of alignment with the top half. I guessed that was where the impact from the car had affected me the most. It looked like my right hip was jutting out all wrong and my left hip wasn't jutting out enough. There were scrapes all over my usually milky white skin, and blood in random areas, staining my clothes and my skin. My blonde hair was a bloody mess around my head, which was gashed open and bleeding. There was a nurse trying to put pressure on the wound, but it wouldn't stop, and she could hardly find it through all my thick hair. Blood kept coming out and my hair was matted up with it. My face was so swollen and bruised it was nearly unrecognizable.

Oh, God, I thought I was gonna be sick… This wasn't me. This was a shell of me. This was a broken and battered and _useless_ me. My normally bright and colorful clothes were ripped and covered in blood, and my favorite shoes were missing. My feet were only covered by bloody, dirty socks. Who had taken my shoes off?

That's when I heard you.

The screams startled me, and I turned around to see that the curtain was open all the way now, the scene visible to anyone in the ER. There you were, standing with Spencer in the hall not far from my stretcher. Your hair was a mess, as if you'd nearly ripped it out of your own head, and your cheeks were streaked with tears and makeup. Your face was red from screaming and crying. Spencer had one of his arms wrapped around your waist, using all his strength to hold you back. You were struggling to break free from his grasp, one of your hands trying to push his arm away, the other reaching out towards my body desperately. You were screaming and crying louder than I'd ever heard, and you sounded absolutely… _devastated_.

I saw the tears in Spencer's eyes… Were they from seeing _you_ this way, or from seeing _me_ this way? He'd become like a brother to me over the years, and I loved him like one. I'd always wondered if he loved me the same way…

Through all the loud beeping and yelling, your screams were evident. They were louder than everything around me. They were filled with desperation and tears and shock. I'd never seen you this way before.

" _SAM! NO! LET ME GO, PLEASE!_ _ **SAAAAAAM!**_ " you screamed, tears pouring down your face like no other.

Just then, I saw Freddie run through the archway in the hall that separates the ER from the rest of the hospital. He stopped right behind you and looked at the stretcher that held my body, all the doctors and nurses scrambling around me and all the machines they were hooking up to me in desperation… His eyes grew wide and his face went very pale, very fast. I saw tears in his eyes and… was Freddork _worried_ about me?

He didn't reach out to touch you or Spencer, though. He just stood there, his mom soon rushing up behind him. She stopped and stood frozen behind him, a hand placed firmly on his shoulder. Tears brimmed her eyes. They both just stood there in shock, watching as I… _died_ …

I was dying. That's what all the screeching from the machines was, and the yelling, and the running around… That's what all your tears and cries were for.

I was _dying_.

" _SAAAAM!_ OH MY GOD, PLEASE… _**SAM!**_ " you continued to scream, still fighting with all your might to break free of Spencer's grasp.

Finally, he didn't have the strength anymore, and you pried his arm from around your waist, pushing him away. You ran faster than I'd ever seen you run before up to the stretcher, shoving past a couple of nurses who just looked at you in confusion. You reached the side of my bed, next to my legs, and held onto the edge for support. Your whole body was shaking and wracking with sobs, and you looked like you were about to collapse. The doctors were too busy trying to keep me breathing and keep my heart pumping to notice you. You stared at me, tears streaming down your cheeks at a constant rate. Your small fingers gripped the edge of the bloody stretcher, turning your knuckles white. I wanted to grab your hand and hold it, tell you I was okay and that I wasn't feeling any pain. I wanted to make you stop crying, and I just wanted to see you smile one last time.

"SAM!" you cried, a little weaker now. "Please… Sam, _I love you_! _Please_ don't go! _**PLEASE!**_ "

Your words nearly ripped my heart apart. No, I _couldn't_ leave. I didn't _want_ to leave. I wanted to tell you that I wanted to stay, that I was _trying_ to stay, but… Oh, God, just _please don't give up on me_ , Carly. I'm so sorry…

"Sam, I'm sorry I got mad at you, I-I'm sorry I'm so stupid and-and I _need_ you! _Please, Sam!_ You can't leave me! _**SAAAM!**_ " you continued pleading with my unresponsive body, begging for an answer.

"I love you, too," I choked out… but you couldn't hear it, because it was only air.

_I wanna be there for you  
Someone you can come to_

I watched in helpless agony as you cried out for me, begging me not to leave you, begging for my forgiveness. It made me feel terrible. I wished desperately that I could tell you not to apologize, and that I loved you more than anything else in the world, and that I _wanted_ to stay so I could be there for you, and hold you again and sleep next to you and listen to you breathe and…

Oh, _God_ , I didn't wanna go!

"I can't live without you, Sam! _Please!_ " you continued to cry, pleading and begging. I hated seeing you this way. "You're all I _have_ , Sam! I can't do this without you! _Don't leave me!_ _**Please!**_ I'll do _anything_! I-I'm sorry! I'll buy you all the ham you want, and… and I won't talk about boys… Please, Sam…"

You were like a little kid with the way you were begging me not to leave, trying to compromise everything that made us, _us_. I didn't _want_ you to give up any of that stuff, and I wanted to just come back and not have anything change. I wanted to tell you not to change a thing, because this wasn't your fault. I was ready to give anything and everything just to tell you I loved you, because I knew – just _knew_ – that it was my last chance.

 _I love you so much, Carly,_ I thought, wanting to speak it, but knowing it wouldn't be more than a breeze by your ear.

Suddenly, one of the nurses realized you were in the way, and she grabbed you by the shoulders a little too aggressively. This angered me. I didn't want them to take you away from me. I wanted you by my side for my last breaths. I wanted your hands near me when my heart stopped beating.

I don't know what happened, but one moment I was watching you spill your heart out to my lifeless body, about to be jerked away by a nurse, and then the blackness was back to take me away. This time, though, it didn't last long before I felt the pain again. I knew I was in that hospital bed, and I could feel your presence being pulled away from me as I lay there helplessly.

It was my last chance; my last opportunity… possibly the last time I'd ever see you. Oh, those beautiful wings that belonged on your back…

I forced all of the pain away for just a moment and focused all my strength and concentration on just my eye muscles. The machines were screeching in my ear, and there were hands all over my body and things being stuck into me and pressed against me, and people were yelling and it all made my aching head ache worse. But soon, I did it. And my eyelids slowly lifted to reveal my bloodshot blue eyes, filled with tears, almost hidden behind swollen cheeks and bruised skin.

I looked towards where I remembered you being and forced myself to focus my vision, even though it sent a pain a lot like a knife shooting through my head. I finally found your eyes in the crowd and suddenly, they were all I could see. You stared back at me, your face going even paler when you realized I was staring right at you. Your eyes lit up and you smiled in relief.

" _SAM!_ " you cried out happily, tears still running down your cheeks.

I forced my dry, cracked lips into a smile, blinking the tears away slowly.

" _I_ _ **love**_ _you_ ," you choked out desperately.

I kept my eyes on yours, imagining you with wings again, until the nurse had pulled you away and sent you back to Spencer. Then, the pain took over again, and I gave in this time. I closed my burning, aching eyes, and let my mouth rest. My lungs felt so tired and somehow, my heart even felt exhausted.

Then, the blackness took over again… but I trusted it this time. It took the pain away, and I could feel myself floating somewhere. Where exactly, I didn't know, but I trusted it. Wherever I ended up, it was where I was meant to be after all.

I continued floating through the darkness with your face imprinted in my vision the entire time. Your smile and your tears, your bright, brown eyes that had always made me feel safe… And even though I hadn't been able to say those last words to you, I knew... I knew that when I looked into your eyes, you could hear the words.

And you knew I'd never _really_ leave you… I would _always_ be there for you. Best friends forever… right?

 _I wanna be there for you_  
_And be someone you can come to_  
 _The love runs deeper than my bones_  
 _I wanna be there for you…_

**end.**


End file.
